tOchan

First time I heard the word TASHAN in Aamir's cola ad...Remember "Yara da Tashan!"
the word is catchy and so does the meaning...tashan means STYLE. and yeah the promos did promise that. I was totally floored with the songs, looks and in general packaging of the movie. So we wind up our work quickly on Friday evening and land up in Hitek theatre for 9 PM show.


I must confess that we had huge expectations with the movie and why not!...... Ok agreed Dhoom and Dhoom2 were downright flat on scripts front but still I had huge faith on Vijay Acharya the WRITER and in this case even the the DIRECTOR. I mean that fellow has delivered some of my all time favourite Television series (Just Mohabbat and Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin), Akshaye is in top gear so does Kareena, and Saif and Anil Kapoor are always reliable.

And the movie started...its has a caption TASHAN the ESSTYLE the BAD LUCK the FARRMULA....No Its tOchan_the PAIN the BAD LUCK the TORTURE. It was our BAD LUCK that inspite of country wide boycott on movie by multiplex screens, we able to get tickets in Only Single screen theatre of Hitek City, it was absolute TORTURE of 3 hours and PAINfull experience of watching your money and times goes in vain.

It's fine with us, if you make movies with No logic, no sense but there is genuine problem here. We have seen movies with attitude, esshtyle, confusion, class but TASHAN is movie with arrogance. Mr. Acharya knows he has no story \screen play, no catchy dialogues all he has got an amazing star cast, peppy music and loads of money. Perhaps he knows whatever happening on screen is utter crap and still he wants us to buy that (and in fact we did :( ).

Want to hear eShStoryLine? (Just read the way I have written and feel the same agony I have been through).

Jimmy Cliff (Saif) ij a guruji of bhery good engleesh, who teaches english to hamaar bhaiyaaji (Anil Kapoor) so that he can do vartalaap with the foreign delegation coming in next week. Pooja(Kareena) is hamaar bhaiyaji's assistant and Jimmyjis love interest. So one fine day Poojaji telling Jimmyji that she has taken bahut sara karja from Bhaiyaaji and wants hij money back or Poojaji should shadi with Bhaiyaaji. Jimmyji ghussese aag babula hoing and decides to chorring Bhaiyaji's money (around 20 crores) and bhagging with Poojaji.

But happening something ulta, Poojaji take away all the money and now Policewa, Bhaiyaaji and Bhaiyajji's recovery agent Bhachhan Panday (Akshaye Kumar) all are sniffing Jimmyji's back. It's a cat and dog fight between all these characters. With loads of music and action.

Now you may be interested to know what happens nexht....but I am in no mood (and strength) to spill the beans (because ideally there aren't any beans left) all left is the expensive, lavish tochan we see on the 70 mm screen.

Music: Jhoom Barabar Jhoom's music was good..but even there it was the same story (or I should say No Story), Music is catchy, different and at first it looks original as well (Since it's not by Pritam...so you can say that)

Akki bhaiyaa: He is adorable but so damn repetitive, except the get up everytime its the same Akshaye Kumar (be it Fir Here Hheri, BhagamBhaag, Garam Masala or even little cameo in OSO) its all same.

Kareena -Saif chemistry: What's wrong bebo? when Shahid Kareena came together for the first time, in that movie she betrayed Shahid (FIDA- that was one hell of a movie) in this movie in one scene Saif calls Kareena "Chheenal!" I mean cmmon guys, we expect something more romantic from you.

Just Kareena: There lots have been said (and shown) about Kareena's slim and trim looks. with loads of skin show (or boneshow?)Bebo's did make her mark (especially in green bikini). [I watched 30 mins STAR NEWS's special report on how she loosed some 14 KGS for this movie] I mean we don't want Refugee's lady Randhir Kapoor but she literaly looks malnutritioned in most of the scenes. and even the Geet hangover (From JWM) is still there.

Anil Kapoor: Black and White, Race and now Tashan, seems that Anil Kapoor wants to prove something here. Versatility? We know you have it Mr. Kapoor.
Comic Sense? you have proved that ages back.
Adaptability? you are still here, that says a lot.....then what are you doing here?
STOP doing such movies, In fact nobody should do such kind of movies.

Just Saif: well he back to square 1 Mr. Casanova (just the way he used to in Ashique Awara, Aao Pyar Kare and Yeh Dillagi). And moreover he has nothing to do.

After 150 mins tochan there is only one thing comes in your mind ...WHAT A WASTE?

P.S. For all those who dont know the meaning of tOchan...it's Deemagko SHOT

एक धक्का और दो!!

Too much of anything is good for nothing, and RACE proves it to the core. It was perfect Sunday morning in March. Heat was intolerable and we hop on to near-by theatre for RACE's matinee show. It was my 5th movie of the year. The first 3 months are not ideal for bollywood this year. Jodha-Akbar fail to meet too much of expectations (and why not), Bombay to Bangkok sheer disappointment, Sunday was OK (that's the problem...it was just OK) and Halla bol was crap. Race had really good review. Imagine Rajiv Masand gave 3 stars and TOI's 3 and 1/2 ratings was enough justification for our 60 bucks ticket.

Our good ol' director duo Abbas-Mastan had quite a sinusoidal career graph, I loved their Khiladi, Main khiladi Tu anadi. Ajnabee, Hamraz and Aitraz but got derailed with Badshah, Chori chori Chupke Chupke, 36 China Town and Naqaab.

Its RACE between two brothers; Ranbir (Saif) and Rajiv(Akshaye), Saif being older amongst two (could you belive that?) he neither looks older nor matured than Akshaye (in spite of his stubble and rough looks). So story starts in Durbon (South Africa seems the new hot spot for bollywod film makers, as they have overdone with NYC, London and Sydney). but still its accepted as running their stud farms in Mumbai or Delhi wont look logical either, So story starts on Derby race course and keep on taking turns, there is twist and turns and more twists and even more turns. I guess our directors have promised producers there would a twist after every 15 minutes. U enjoy couple of turns and then you fed up. Its just like going to an amusement park, you enjoy first few rides so much, that weightlessness, adrenaline rush and thrill you enjoy it initially. But how long you can take it?

Back to movie, there are 2 babes, who looks stunning and have brain too (woopie). Bade bhaiyya (who happens to be "Sautela Bhai" as well-icing on a cake) loves babe1, chhota bhai also likes babe 1. babe 2 loves bade bhaiyaa, but bade bhaiyaa loves chhota bhai more than babe 1. Chhota bhai is pakka bewada but since he loved babe 1 more than the bewada so he promises bade bhaiyaa that he will give up bewada for sake of babe 1 and bade bhaiyaa. So finally Chhota bhai marries babe 1 and automatically babe 2 got open option of bade bhaiyaa. and Do they live happily ever after??

well that's all about RACE. I can't reveal the secrete because I don't remember the total number of secretes. Movie keeps you on your toes but just for guessing what would be the next twist. (give me a breaaaaaaak).

Just for your reference (that too if you really need)

babe 1: Bipasha Basu

babe 2: Katrina Kaif

There are 2 more characters(??) in the movie a fruit freak police officer and his dumb(that's overrated ) but supposed to be sexy assistant. Anil Kapoor sucks (right from ganna to your brain) and Sameera Reddy (well she doesn't :D) that's what Anil Kapoor complains about (:p)

Music looks good in promos, even Atif's "Pehali najar " doesnt bring the same magic on screen. Race title track is foot tapping.

It's really pain to see Johny level in such a ungraceful cameo. Funniest dialogue in the movie

where Saif says to Katrina "Tum etani achhi actress ho ki tumhe Hollywood mein hona chahiye" (That was the blassst.....please leave her alone guys, she is doing what she can do BEST...she looks awesome in the movie). Saif and Akshaye just walks throughout in the movie with their Armani suits.

I can't comment or recommend the movie, because nobody is paying me to do so. But looking at last year's suspence flicks like Johny Gaddar and Manorama, RACE was just about style.

If you like cars, studs (both) and babes go and grab the race tickets. Otherwise want to see a real suspense drama manage to get the DVDs of Shaban Azmi- Amol Palekar's "Khamosh"(Vidhu Vinod Chopra's first feature film) or K.K raina, Pankaj and Anu Kapoor starrer "Ek ruka hua faisala". I just happened to see both the movies on forgetful movie channel B4U MOVIES. but these movies haunted me for days. Over budget, skin show, car racing, jazzy movies we all love it Abbasji Mastanji, even the movie isn't out and out bad, bass thoda jyada ho gaya.

Thodasa Rumani Ho Jaye_Part2

Wedding ceremonies are always boring, be it in Badjatya's and KJ's movies or in real life. On top of it, our Prachi madam is eyeing onsite with promotion and a perfect 3 years younger boy friend.

Mom: "I tell you, your Jyotsna bua is just"
Me: Now what?" (As if I don't know)
Mom: "Arey! When you were in Hyderabad she used to enquire so much about you and Now, yesterday did she even come to you?"
Me: "Yes she did. Now, can I read?" (‘Reading is interesting’...I generally say that to all snob girls, otherwise reading is quite outdated)

I hoped on Orkut...but even Orkut isn't fun anymore. Last day profile view count: 1. just 1? I had 3 scraps for last 2 days. All three were replies to my greeting to them; saying "Thanks you very much". I even stopped sneaking in beautiful girl's profiles. (Should I disable that profile visitor feature?) The unknown friend’s requests from girls (and even from boys) are always tricky.

Mom: "Prachi is going to Germany tomorrow"
Me ( ohh! So Finally client approved)

When a well settled (well paid), o.k. looking (though few pounds extra) software engineer gets bored with his life he reads self motivating forwards. I have 1GB folder of such quotes, stories and images. (To vent out his frustration Sirji eats 10 plates of bhelpoori at chawpatty and next day on a 'sick leave'). I got out of my house and on the way bought one Lays packet. There was Saif on the wrapper. I realized life can't be that bad. I mean look at Saif’s life
"Aashique Awara" -> "Dil Chahta Hain"->"Hum Tum";
"Colgate Fresh"->"Asian Paints"->"Royal Stag",
"Amrita Singh"->"Rosa"->"Kareena Kapoor". ....there is a hope.

I came back home and relogged in to Orkut...saw there was one new scrap that too from Shivani :)
"I am getting married next month"...I logged out.

Dad: " Good Morning"
Me: "Very good morning, Dad, looking very happy today?"
Dad: "because I am, Happy Birthday, beta"
Me: "Ohh, how can I forget my birthday?"
Dad: "because that won’t come in orkut's birthday reminders"
Mom: "Many Many Happy returns of the day"
Me: "So, Where is my birthday gift?"
Mom: "Here you go"
Me: "Maa, These are photos of 3 girls, are they my birthday gift"
Mom: "Dhatt...shameless............ beta you are 27 now"
Me: "Eurekka!!!!!...I know that, so?"
Mom: “This is the ideal time for you to get married, see we are quite liberal, if you love someone just tell us otherwise let us find someone for you.”
Me: “I can do it by myself maa”
Mom: “Its not only for you, its for us as well. At least thats what you can do being our only son”
Me: “You know, this is emotional blackmailing”
Dad: "We are not forcing you and ultimately that would be your call."

Call.....yes it's my call.
Me: "Dude, I am screwed"
Sirji: "Yes, I am screwed"
Me: "Is it anything to do with your code review?"
Sirji: "Not that, she, she wants to break this engagement "
Me: "What?........... Why?"
Sirji: "She thinks I am insensitive, irresponsible, immature fool. Could you believe that?"
(Silence)
Sirji: "Could you help me in that? I called her for meeting tonight”
Me: “Dude, what can I do in this?”
Sirji: “You can convince her that I am not what she thinks" Sirji dropped the call

Great Birthday! I am 27, still single (though Mom is on "Perfect Bahu Hunt") and my dear friend left me with this daunting task. Honestly she was better than Sirji in every aspect. But I know Sirji really loves her. He is changing (can't say getting better) but yes. He has stopped watching mundane movies in theatres inspite of that he goes with her on painting exhibitions and attends "Kala Ghoda Festival", nowadays a regular gym hiter, strickly No No to his Bhelpoories and other chat items and yeah he started using "mardonwali fareness cream' too.

At Cafe Mondegar
Me: "Who fixed this venue?"
Sirji" This time it was my call, last time we have been to Sarovar, I just hate that place."
Me: "Which one, that Jahangir Art Gallery wala?"
Sirji: "Yes, I told her that I don’t understand those paintings. What a waste of time."
Me: " And going for 'Rama Rama kya hain ye drama’ movie, what was that?"
Sirji: "I never thought the film would be that bad............... ok chill now; here she comes"

She: “Hi...”
Me (I rest my case, you can't argue with such a pretty girl,
Café Mondegar is a no place to fix your failing relationship; It was smoky, noisy and over crowded. I was confused and totally odd man out and moreover these two not-so-lovebirds were spoiling my birthday eve. Sirji interrupted...)

Sirji: “I love you”
She: “Even I used to love you” (Oops!!)
Sirji: “and now?”
(Silence)
Me ( For them I was the non-conspicuous creature. I felt Sirji really wanted to work this out but the things were getting worse)
Sirji: “Can you give me one more week?”
She: “That won’t help”
Sirji: “Please!”
She: “Why are you doing this?”
Me (I hardly heard what they were talking about but even I had the same question….Why is he doing that?) She left us and Sirji went on to play “I will wait for you” in jukebox (God!! such a drama!)


Sirji: “Let’s go to chawpatty”
Me (I knew this) “Bhelpoori khane?”
Sirji: “Are you coming with me or not?”
Me: “Do I have any choice?”
Sirji: “Of course, everyone has options. Its matter if we want to take it or not”
Me (all of sudden, Sirji was making sense, all this time I was just there, I neither tried to convince her not tried to console Sirji, just to be there was my choice. My presence hardly matters to them...Still I was there.)
Sirji was so right, we all have options. Its matter if we exercise them or not.


.............................End Of Part2

Thodasa Rumani Ho Jaye

Me:" How was the wedding mom?"
Mom: " Oh! the function was fantastic, everybody came except you. beta, its about time you should get transfer at least to Pune."
Me: "yeah, Mom I am trying but this current project is really good, Moreover I can see this Hyderabad as a land full of opportunities"
Mom: "what does that mean?"
Me: "ummm!!!! (pause) How was the wedding mom?"

6 months later....
Me:" So you been to Kranti's godh bharai??"
Mom: "You know, even Kranti's husband started his work from Bangalore and within 2 months he got new job in Mumbai"
Me: "how is Kranti?"

3 months later....
Me" I have attended a telephonic interview for a job in Mumbai"
Mom: " Waah!! so when are you shifting?"
Me: "maa! its just an interview, I personally need to be there for one more interview, but the offer looks interesting"
Mom: " All the best, beta. when are you coming to Mumbai then"
Me: Ahh!! they are OK with this weekend"
Mom: " What should I prepare for you?"
Me: "Anything will do...but yeah make some rawa laddoos"
Mom: " Jyotsna bua was asking about you, now even Prachi got placed through campus"
Me: "Great! how is she?"
Mom: " Should I invite them for this weekend?? Its been ages you have met Jyotsna bua and even Prachi, She looks so beautiful. So should I?"
Me: "How is dad?"

tring tring....
Me:" Hello mam, long time no see. Where you have been?"
Mam: "Hey, you know I am getting married...next month, the guy is working as an onsite co-coordinator fro XYZ co."

Phone dropped... Me: f**k...yeh bhi!

2 weeks later....
Me: "maa!!..you remember the interview I attended...I got through it, they are offering what I asked for. I am so happy Mom"
Mom: "What!!! that company is in Mumbai na!"
Me: "yes ma! I am coming to Mumbai"
Mom: " You serious??? I cant belive, It's been 3 years now"
Me: "yeah I know, but....finally I am coming back"
Mom: "Let me tell that to Jyotsna bua"
Me: "Jyotsna bua?? why??"
Mom: " When are you starting??"

1 month later...back home, Mumbai ..on yahoo messenger

Me: " So, what else you like?"
SweetySavita: " ma fav going 2 disc, freaking out wid frens and ....u really like 2 no, honey?"
XXXXXXBLOCKEDXXXXXXXX

Me: "How was your weekend?"
CuteKavita: " as usual"
Me: " So any plans for this week?"
CuteKavita: "No, same routine"
Me: "Hows work going on?"
CuteKavita: "I don't want to talk about it"
Me: "You watched Jodha Akbar?"
CuteKavita: "I hate movies"
Me: "Tomorrow is India Vs Australia finals"
CuteKavita: "No interest in sports"
Me: "So, what do you like (arghhhhhh!!!)
CuteKavita: "Ohh! It's 10 I better go to sleep, it was fun chatting with you" (really??)

tring tring.......

Me:" Hey madam, you just don't talk to me ohk! it's been 2 months that you have called me and you didn't even reply to my scraps, no online nothing what's the matter?"
She: " I am getting married..."
Me: "Ohh!! Congrads"

26 is not the age of frustration, It isn't the age to be a single.

Hi, I am 26, frustrated and single too. Being a strong beliver of Hindi movies and specially Yash Chopra movies, he has said in Dil to pagal hain (even in DDLJ and Chandani and Lamhe and Veer Zara) that there is someone somewhere is made for each one of us... Really??

Mumbai job was perfect, good profile, well paid and in hometown, what more can we ask for?
Some more fun??

Here no freaking out with colleagues till 8.30 -9.00, you are left with 10% energy level till you reach at home, no gym, hardly any movies at weekends but good food, family life and yeah family functions.

Mom: " Don't keep anything for sunday, we are going for Sanjeev's wedding"
Me: "Maa! I have stopped going out on weekends, my frieds; they are either at abroad or married"
Mom: " Why don't you get married, Sanjeev is 20 months younger than you"
Me: "Is it? he looks quite older na!"
Mom: "Shut up, and haan! while getting home collect your sherwani from dry cleaningwala"
Me: "Sherwani? in month of May, you crazy?"
Mom:" But that looks good on you"
Me: "Ma, they say I look nice even in T shirt and jeans"
Mom: "Who they?"
Me: "My friends"
Mom: "Shall I ask you something?"
Me: "Shoot"
Mom: "Do you have girlfriend?"

tring tring...

Me: "Bolo Sirji, kaisan ho?" (Sirji; a colleague, a friend and a big time despo)
Sirji: “Problem hain"
Me: “I know"
Sirji: “You know?"
Me: "Of course project deadline on Friday and testing review tomorrow, problem toh hona hi hain"
Sirji: "Not that re....I am getting married"
Me: "What???"

Me and Sirji at office cafeteria...

Me: "How could you say, yes?"
Sirji: "Check out her snap"
Me: "So, when is the engagement?"

I can't believe Sirji is getting married. It was never a question of Sirji liking someone....as long she is a girl Sirji likes her. But how can she approved him? I mean look at her. She is so....................
Confession: I am jealous.

At Sanjeev's wedding....
Sheela mausi: "What is your salary?"
Ratan mama: "I never heard name of your company, my brother-in-law works in Godrej"
Chintu: "What is software?"
Prabhakar kaka: "Do you smoke?"

: "Hi"
Me: "Prachi?" (Mom was right she is beautiful)
Prachi: "Bingo!"
Me: "No confusion! Great Combination" (Yeh kehnese pehle mein mar kyun nahi gaya?)
Prachi: "WHAT?"
Me: "No Nothing"
Prachi: "So how are you?"
Me: "You tell, I am standing in front of you"
Prachi: "You put on some weight?"
Me: (shuutts!!) " blame ma for that, otherwise I am still the same. How is the new job?"
Prachi: "Oh it's great, Project is ultimate, except the PM. He is one big %$%&*^%"
Me: (Have I heard it right? I remember Prachi used to make lots of spelling mistakes..she must have mistakenly used that word...or ?) "Well, its the same situation, even my PM is one big.................. (I can't).... (Let's try...u can do it).... (No ..I can't)..."I mean he is pretty bad manager" (Hushh!!!...looser)
Prachi: " I am getting promoted next month"
Me: "WHHAT??" (I realized that I overreacted ...in fact I heard "I am getting married" hihihi) "Congrads...promotion so soon..And onsite?"
Prachi: "Yeah; that too, my visa is ready just waiting for client's approval"
Me: (Stop it Prachi I can't take it anymore!!!)
Confession: I am jealous.
Prachi: "You know, Sanjeev dada's wife is 3 years older than him"
Me: "So what, love marriage mein sabkuchh chalta hain?"
Prachi: "My boyfriend is also 3 years younger than me"

. End Of Part-1

Prologue

Why Mumbai chaat???
Well every place is special and famous for something or the other; like Agra is famous for Taj, Kolkata for it's sweets, Bangalore for it's IT business and how can we forget Dilli ki ladkiyan?
What is Mumbai famous for??

Gateway of India [nahh! वैसे तो दिल्ली में भी India Gate हैं ]
Bollywood [ तो क्या साऊथका Tollywood किसीसे कम हैं क्या?]
Local trains की भीड़ [ well, that's not something we should be proud of]
मुंबई का समण्दर nope! पर समण्दर किनारे मिलनेवाली चाट जो शायद उस समण्दर के रेत जितनीही पुरानी हैं
चाट चाहे हर जगह मिले पर मुंबई की चाट और उसका स्वाद कही और नही मिल सकता.
So this one is for My Mumbai and the things u can get\happen\enjoy\suffer only in Mumbai